oh, substack. oh, strange life. // whilst beginning to lose my shit about upcoming lifescape decisions i returned to my bed to inexplicably find a tape-laminated scrap of paper i picked up from the street awhile ago— red ink on black background, two hands turned wings and around the border, lines from the poem ‘invictus’ i have long-loved, in spanish: i am the captain of my soul.
i don’t know what to say about These Days;
the last thing i did here was write a post on suicidality when the Black Dog came to sit with me again, ten years onwards. i’m (re)entering the slipstream; i’m being asked to Notice; i’m being asked to Put Into Practice what i’ve learned these past four years since being released from my last full-time job; devoting to following the stories and Listening for my emergent heart-work. // what have i Learned, what do i Believe in, what is my Own legend— how do i dance belonging And individuation, how do i lean full-on into all the things i say i trust: community, mythic intelligence, story, abundance, nuance, associativity, Magick .. all of these moments are Too personal to me to describe with any kind of distanced certitude right now;
i believe It Is All About Energy and when the energy moves away / recedes from where we currently are and presses us into the squeeze-point of no vitality / nothing working— it is not to punish us, it is not for us to blame ourselves for the wasteland; it is to Move, move With that energy, with equanimity— invisible staircase;
there are So Many More signs here than i realize; i can sit here saying they are showing me nothing but the threads are weaving Themselves in my hands while my outer eyes remain Closed—
i sat on My edge, traced my finger around the spiral carved into the rock, scraped my skin on the rusty fence, climbing back over; remembered: michael said the devil comes through doubt; and i Catch myself, i Catch myself. what if the Only thing i need to lead with right now is Love? not my growing credit card debt, not my abject inexplicability, not my Fear, not the Impossibility; what if it’s for Me to be the wandering bard i have always wanted to be? what if it’s just that: hospitality and sacred circles and Trust and the road and many Homes and Stories and asking for help, receiving help, co-creation and Opportunities. isn’t this what i always wanted—?
Profoundly: my exes bring medicine. my friends bring medicine. my family bring medicine, tough medicine; Pivotal Life Moment(s); Changed; medicine i need to Now soften for; swan-feather cloak; my parents suddenly So Much older than i had somehow realized and if i keep acting as the ‘adult child’ i will never (also) be the Actual Adult their (my) aging selves Need; my body does things; i try not to be scared, try to drink more water, try to be patient; i tell them i’ll see them in california. georgia. washington. north carolina. i still have my john moriarty anniversary tickets; ireland. i don’t know How. it doesn’t matter. he sent the voicenote, sang to me about wolves coming and letting them have their way; sewing himself up; being Re-Membered; i Know this story; i gave my two weeks notice; shock and sadness when i consider; i don’t know what is next except to Go and i will Yield This Time, i swear; whatever part of me is typing this wants to be Dreamed—
michael meade said when you are edging a Great Change, a Rebirth, a New Birth, the circumstances of your original earthly birth story Return, Kick Up; and How, This Time, can you help that story to Change—
it can’t be forceful this time.
i call my friends around me on the internet; we sit together in murmuration and Weaving; Profound, i’m telling you, Profound; she makes me laugh; the kabbalah teacher changes my life; i cried in my ex’s lap, animal terror, held in tenderness All Night. how could someone so alive want to kill themselves? what a gift it is to the other person when you ask them for help. the Opportunity. when someone outstretches their arms and tells you to jump into them, no plunging Alone, anymore; reminded we Need To Need Each Other, tea party and lightsabers, forest and flowers, Presence in the next room, for this brief and precious span of time; All Together Again. Again.
i wept ragged for you and your family, b; outside of Time i kissed and kissed your brother; held your son’s hand, stood in witness as the holy water met his head; promised, Too, to be an Example of Faith; made him laugh and i hear you in it; i love the way he looks for me and says my name;
my beloved friend made the Exit last year, these days— is it Exit or exit, audrey? Exit or exit? did i remember to tell you i finally told beauty and the beast—?
it’s way fucking past my bedtime.
///
All I Have Is Love To Give, Now; That’s Really It, That’s Really It.
thank you for reading /// poem-words in foto by jez green / a wild green heart.
***
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.— william ernest henley, ‘invictus.’